As I’ve grown my friendships have changed. They’ve become stronger, weaker or they’ve ended. Experience is a great teacher and has taught me to watch out for these five friendship deal-breakers as outlined below.
Friendship Deal-breaker Number 1
They insist on vetting you
Now, what the hell does this mean? These are people who believe they’ve achieved some higher status in this competition known as Life. Subsequently, their company should only be bestowed upon the worthy.
What makes you good enough? Usually your level of education, salary or career aspirations. You know you’re being vetted when they’re sat across from you, stoney-faced, firing question after question about your goals and plans.
They will only smile in approval if they like what they hear (usually in line with shallow interpretations of success). Avoid these people, I beg of you. They will do NOTHING for your self-esteem and will make you feel like a failure. This is one of the worst friendship deal-breakers for this very reason. You don’t deserve that.
Friendship Deal-breaker number 2
You enable me, I’ll enable you
I won’t pretend to be innocent here. I have been an enabler and I have nurtured toxic friendships in order to enable my own bad behaviour. If you’re trying to grow and change these friendships won’t help you. This friendship deal-breaker when encouraged will leave you emotionally stunted. You’ll know you have a friendship like this if every time you try to exert change it’s met with ridicule or pressure to engage in past behaviour. It may seem harsh but if you want to achieve any real progress you need to leave these friendships behind.
Friendship Deal-breaker Number 3
Drama inventors
You do not have time for people who deliberately cause problems in a bid to gain your attention or keep you wrapped around their finger. If you’re anything like me, you have a penchant for trying to fix people. But not everyone wants to be helped and your time is precious. Those that like to invent drama are a threat to your inner peace. They’re not happy with you being a mere spectator. They need you to get involved. The world is chaotic enough without a friend who is consistently destructive. You can’t control people’s actions but you can control yours.
Friendship Deal-breaker Number 4
They lack empathy
People who fall into this category freak me the hell out. I’m an emotional person and I feel other people’s pain. I go out of my way to advise and console. When I encounter someone who flaunts their lack of empathy, I don’t know what to do with myself.
Friendship is about love and I don’t know many friendships that flourish where one party doesn’t give a damn about the other’s welfare. Be wary of those who feign empathy through their word. They’re full of it. You’ll know they’re doing this because their word is never backed up by action. You deserve a friend who would move mountains for you. A friend who doesn’t make you feel naked and vulnerable for trusting them. Which moves us along nicely to my personal ‘favourite’ friendship deal-breaker…
Friendship Deal-Breaker Number 5
Your plight is entertaining
I’m going to try hard not to use too harsh a word to describe the friends who fall into this category. First off, they’re not friends. Secondly, they aren’t genuinely concerned about you. They are the ones who make it their personal mission to pry about details you’ve made perfectly clear you don’t wish to share. For the exact reason above!
Memes abound about this very problem. Not everyone who expresses concern is truly concerned. Your personal problems are a convenient distraction for them. Nothing more. Ask yourself if they willingly show you the same level of trust that they demand from you. These people are lucky to get a hello and goodbye from me.
My mom always said that too much company is never good. Another wise woman told me not to let anyone hurt me. If you’ve read this entire post I hope it helps you to identify those frenemies you need to cut loose. I hope you continue to nurture and love your friends who truly care about you.
Have you ever experienced these friendship deal-breakers? Let me know in the comments.
You might like my next opinion post on spending time alone doing things you love.
Love black pistachio x
Love this post! Glad to know there are people out there that went through the same things I went through in high school. Some girls just suck! You go girl. 👏🏼💗
Thank you very much! School sucked majorly. I could go into detail but it’d be depressing 😛 xo
I think you’re right about those categories. Some people can’t help attract certain toxic relationships and maybe they find it even harder to realise it is toxic and they don’t know a way out or end it.
I feel we only realise we could do without these types of people when we experience a trauma and said person isn’t there, likewise someone who can’t be happy for someone’s achievements drives me insane. I’m glad you’re in a place now where you are happy with the people you surround yourself with and value.
“I feel we only realise we could do without these types of people when we experience a trauma and said person isn’t there, likewise someone who can’t be happy for someone’s achievements drives me insane.”
THIS!!!
Literally having this same issue, it is so confusing with all these so called “friends” around. Now I am enjoying my own company more and blogging 🙂 x
Good for you! Better to spend time with yourself than with those who don’t wish you well x
Very well written, totally agree x
Thank you so much for reading, Sacha! X
Looks like you had few toxic friendships. I had 3 in my life so far and I got rid of them. Life is sweeter without those people deciding (once one of my toxic friend asked me to choose between her or my boyfriend which is now my husband …guess who I chooses?) what s best for me and all that jazz. Your mum is so right like most mums 🙂 . I have 4 best friends (including my husband) I know them for years and I have not the desire to have more friends. You should read the F word by Lily Peebles about female friendship. xx.
Wow… I can’t imagine a true friend making such a demand :/
She really is, I need to listen to her more. She tells me time and again that what I am prepared to do for people they aren’t willing to do for me. If not careful people will take you for granted or take advantage of your good nature while giving minimal back in return. Good on you for removing toxic friends from your life. Thanks a lot for the book recommendation! Will check it out now x
You are so right about these categories. I find it better to not have anyone in my life at all then have to deal with people like that. It’s difficult to find the right people
Hi Ashley, it really is. No one’s perfect but there are some people out there who take time to show their true colours and make no amends for consistent bad behaviour. If you’re like me, you might rationalise bad behaviour but it’s not worth it. Thank you for reading x
A thought provoking piece!
Empathy is so important in all relationships, even casual ones. And I feel that, if you have empathy and respect and consideration for other people, you cannot help but find friends. That is the definition of friendly.
Oof! What a delicious comment! I couldn’t agree more. No relationship can function without empathy.
🙂
THIS! I really enjoyed this post. You shed light on a lot of things that can slip under the radar whenever you’re developing a new friendship. Keep up the stellar work!
Thank you so much, Terran! 😊 x
LOVE this! Live your raw directness and you are so spot-on, all of these are an automatic trigger for “Sayonara sucker’!
Thanks Yaya! “Raw directness” I’m gonna remember that. It’s not easy writing about personal experience for others to dissect x
These are very wise and important points! I think a lot of people feel they have to have a set ‘squad’ and forget that friendships aren’t like those you see on TV. There’s got to be reciprocity, care and understanding. Thanks for writing this!
Absolutely, Claire. Reciprocity all the way. You’re welcome! X
I spent the first half of my life surrounded by the most horrible horrible “friends”, I’m glad they’re all gone now!
Thank the Lord. Glad you cleansed your personal space x
What an interesting post to read! I sadly remember bullies at both primary and secondary school. I used to wear glasses and that was always something that attracted name calling. Having solid friendships where you can rely on that person for support and trust them unconditionally are really important in life.
Very important. Having a strong social network takes work and sacrifice. I’m sorry about your school experience. Some people never grow out of that behaviour. You leave school and then it continues in work… x
I think you have touched upon some important points, however I don’t agree with empathy 100%. Empathy is a difficult skill to grasp for some people and I don’t think there are many individuals who are able to practice genuine empathy. Furthermore criticism of your emotions shouldn’t be considered as a lack of empathy, sometimes people try to help in their own little ways (even if they are flawed). Friendships are difficult!
Laura / https://www.laustworld.com/
I don’t think I said criticism of my emotions meant a lack of empathy. I accept that showing empathy is a skill and takes time to master but it comes naturally to me.
These five examples are the exact opposites of what friends should be. I’ve definitely had a few toxic friends in my life and have had to cut them out, and it makes me so mad at my past self for not noticing how bad they were treating me! I’m sorry you’ve had friends like this, so I hope you’re in a better place with better friends or a friend group who support you ❤ Great post!!
Emily | https://www.thatweirdgirllife.com
This is exactly why I have distanced myself from many people! thank you for sharing this!
You’re welcome, Zoe!
This is very insightful and informative. I really appriciate your help.Thanks for the tips .Will use them.
Thank you 🙂 You’re welcome 🙂
So glad I’ve gotten rid of ‘friends’ like these! I once had two friends who decided they were better than me because they had started primary school earlier than me (we were in the same year but at the time if you were born after Christmas you had the option to start school in January instead of September – an option which my parents took). Have never understood friendships like that and I’m well rid